Executives from Universal Studios display dismay as their once hopeful Oscar contender Cats has been mocked by critics and audiences alike. Usually this is the time of year where the two types of viewers squabble over what’s worthwhile and what can wait for Netflix. But this year Tom Hooper’s Cats has given them something to agree upon, it stinks.
I myself just got back from seeing the adapted broadway musical and it’s just plain weird. There are so many things wrong with it from the CGI, lack of information, and poor humor. I do think a good movie was possible, maybe it just didn’t come together in the end. With the November release, massive budget, successful director, and familiar property, Universal surely thought they had a hit on their paws, hands sorry. Making only 17 million at the time of this publishing, the studio will be taking quite the bath. Furthermore, the earning potential for what could have been a unique and triumphant cinematic universe has failed them yet again. (Years ago they were developing a monster universe that went awry with the calamity that was 2017’s The Mummy). Dogs, Birds, Hamsters, and the spin off Mice vs Beetles, were all meant to release successively and usher in a new decade of movie musical universes that would have all the studios buzzing. An anonymous executive commented “We were quite excited for the future here. Marvel and Disney did it with superheroes, that’s easy kid’s stuff. We were going to take it to the next level with high art musicals. When we were producing The Secret Life of Pets we did so much research on how pets live unaccompanied and how to steal from Pixar. We had so much left over material but were limited with the concepts we could explore in order to keep our PG rating. We wanted to do more falling over and shots to the groin, but only if it was in a serious musical about magical theatre cats.”
I continued my conversation with the executive and he allowed me to see the plans for their shelved universe. Here is the exclusive look at phase 1 of the Pets universe.
Dogs– A puppy is in search for the one true fetch ball. He searches through the long night meeting handballs, tennis balls, ping pong balls, but none of them are hit. He sings out to other dogs around the neighborhood and they boast their findings. Eventually a neutered stray finds the puppy and helps him on his quest for his ball.
Birds– Chirpa cannot speak. The old bird woman has a house full of birds and they can sing all day long and chirpa, depressed, has no way to communicate. They offer voice lessons, therapy birds claims it psychological, surgery bird cuts her open and finds an obstruction. The surgery concludes, Chirpa recovers, and the final number is a song asking everyone to donate to their local hospitals.
Hamsters– The hamsters combine tubes all along the city that all meet in a central location, London’s number 1 night club. The hamsters sing dance in this cultural utopia. Rivalries are formed and tubes are tied. Scenes include a workout on the wheel, a duet in a rolling ball around the dance floor, and the death of Cheeko, after the FeveFur Dance Off ends with decadence.
Mice vs Beetles – an action adventure, a race to see who can steal more food than the other group. Mice use the walls, Beetles play the ground game. The game goes south when the humans bring out the peanut butter and traps. The mice and beetles have to work together to take out the human overlords.
Intriguing to say the least, but maybe for the best. Another Hollywood story of what could have been. Maybe one day studios will take their time and make sure everything is right before rushing to release in search of that precious golden statue.
