Hello, Doctor Ping here back again vith another very exciting discovery! I av been vorking on zis around ze watch for months hoping to ave it ready by Halloween. Of course zis holiday az past us by and ve vill ave to review my findings vithout ze backdrop of ze spooky season. Adding another feazer in my academic cap, I av been able to trap and study a real life vampire! Quite exciting I know. Ze process vas quite simple. Every day I vould safely vithdraw vun gallon of blood from my system and leave puddles around my house on top of traps zat I have made zat would secure and kidnap ze vampire. Of course I did av some legal reservations, as in could I be arrested for capturing a human-like figure, but since vampires are not listed as an exzisting creature, I vas only capturing a myth, an idea, and in my country ze idea police are still in training, so I av time.
Vat I did vas I sprinkled seasonings in my blood pools like pepper, cajun spice, and a garlic aoili mixture zat I vas sad to learn did not gather any attention, to attract all types of vampires. As well as zum crushed up Tylenol PMs to make sure my zubject did not escape. For days I vould stake out with my vooden stake out hoping to attract ze mythological blood zucker. It really did not take very long, alzo zere vere some unyielding phlebotomists zat I had to donate some samples to in exchange for privacy. But after only vun veek I got my first bite! Not literally of course, because zen I vould be a vampire and I am not, I assure you.
Hi there! Founder of Jargon here. This is not to say that we wouldn’t hire a vampire. Jargon is an equal opportunity employer, thank you, back to the article.
Vunce I had ze vampire in my possession I carried him back to my lab vere I commenced my experiments. I did not truly know vat I vas looking for. All I knew vas that denying ze existence of somezing does nuzing for zience, so if I could prove ze existence of somezing new AND a newfound discovery zerein, I vould be sure to turn zum heads. I began with ze usual procedures. I ran zum blood tests, but only came back vith results for myself. I conducted a physical to find zat ze creature vas in phenomenal shape and wanted to ask him about his ab routine ven he woke. I concluded zat in zis form he vas too similar to a human for me to publish any startling findings, zo I had to force him to mutate into his bat formation. I tried using cat toys to lure it out, clicking my tongue, and hanging upside down vith lipstick to entice ze mammal bird, nozing worked. My last resort was electroshocking ze zubject, just because zat’s vat ve scientists do ven ve don’t know vat else to do. Low and behold it worked! But not in ze vay I vould have expected. Ze vampire did not take ze form of a bat, instead he turned into a mosquito! A mosquito! Later I vas able to confirm vith an illuminating and friendly conversation vith the vampire zat, yes actually all vampires turn into mosquitos. As a matter of fact zey vere shocked it took so long for us to figure out. “What other animal out there flies and sucks blood?” He zed for a vhile hey were bats, but ze vhole zing became very cliche and they decided to svitch and mosquitoes just made ze most zense. Zeir size makes zem ideal for getting into small places, zey can get people when zey are sleeping vithout vaking zem, and zey av been able to vastly improve ze mosquito population which zey see as a great humanitarian effort.
And zere you av it, modern day vampires are actually mosquitos. Zo next time you wake up with a bump on your arm just know zat you have been visited by something you may have refused zee existence of. Also immediately contact your doctor because zere is a 50% probability zat you have contracted Vampiria.
Mao Ping
