Dear Coach Williamson,
You might remember me, my name is Joey. I have just returned from seeing the first cut list for this year’s 8th grade basketball team. Out of curiosity I looked for my name, and to my amazement I found it. I will not insult your intelligence and assume this was a mistake, however I am writing to find out what went wrong and perhaps get a more specific report as to why I was not invited to perform as a member of this team.
Thank You, Joey Gobbles
Dear Joey,
I’d like to begin by thanking you for trying out. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and try something new, especially in front of a lot of people of different skill levels. Being a coach is a tough job, I wish I could take everyone that came out and showed interest, but it’s just not the case. I’m only allowed to take 10 young men and on top of that in order to ensure that I do my job properly I have to make a cohesive team that plays to each others strengths and weaknesses. They all have to demonstrate adequate talent as well as a willingness to learn, which is what we call coachability. It was not easy narrowing down the roster to only 10 young men, there was a lot of talent, potential, and really nice kids that we had to turn away for a variety of reasons. In your case we felt, maybe basketball just isn’t the thing for you. I don’t want this to discourage you. Skills can be picked up and very few people start out as all stars. If you really want to become a basketball player I would suggest you practice as much as you can from now until tryouts next year and if you really give it your all I don’t see why the odds would not be in your favor.
Best of Luck Joey, Coach Williamson
Dear Coach Williamson,
Thank you for returning my letter and doing your rendition of an illumination. I understand I do not carry with me the traditional traits of an athlete you would search for. I am on the short side of the height spectrum in my grade, I cannot jump as high as most if not all of the selected players, and my shots are not all that accurate. You may have even asked yourself why I even bothered to come out to try outs if my skill set needed more fine tuning. Allow me to answer. I see great potential in myself Mr. Willamson. Great potential the likes of which you could probably not comprehend given your narrow vision and limited life experience. It should be known that every night before bed I go downstairs to my printer, take out about half an inch worth of paper and bring it upstairs to my room. There, I crumple each of them up into little balls, arrange my trash can into the most difficult and darkest corner of my room, and I shoot until completion. My success rate is over 83% which is a higher average than anybody in the history of the NBA. Now I know you probably feel very foolish right now given this new information. Well you should. The reason I did not bring this up during the try-out or my original letter is because I wanted to give you the opportunity to see the real me, without additional guidance. As we know you failed that endeavor, but I would be more than willing to look past this and whatever other blunders you get me and the team into this upcoming season if you would simply reconsider and accept me onto your Canburry’s 8th Grade basketball team.
Counting on you to do the right thing, Joey Gobbles
To Joey,
Your frustration is apparent and I can sympathize. I know being on the basketball team may seem like the most important thing in the world right now, but you simply are not ready. My decision regarding my roster is final and I will not reconsider you for this season. Please heed my advice and try out again next year. This is the last letter I will be responding to on the subject.
Best, Coach Williamson
Oh Hank,
How daft can you be? Why do you choose to make such grave mistakes? Either you can’t read or your brain is too smooth to understand what the collection of letters in front of you means. I don’t expect you to answer, I am quite alright with getting the last word in. What I call “garbage ball” is a direct descendant of basketball. They rely on the same arm and wrist movements, same precision, and hand eye coordination. Your qualifications have already eluded me so at this point I am led to believe that you are the only person who values his time little enough to actually coach a youth team. As far as I can tell I am quite lucky to not have been forced into tutelage with you. I believe it would regress the accomplishments I have attained thus far and I would not be able to hold my tongue after your innumerable gaffes. The team would see me promoted to head coach and the school would forever be under endless scrutiny for hiring someone as incapable as you. Out of dedication to the school I would be forced to stay thus ending all dreams I had of becoming a philosopher and a life (as well as the lives of my prospective influencees) would al be wasted.
In summation I am glad you did not accept me. I will be just fine without you, my powers grow stronger everyday and I am a shoe in for the Freshman team next year. The same cannot be said for you however. It is sad and I doubt you have come to the realization but your life has no meaning. What’s to blame? Bad parents, the environment of your youth, or missed opportunities? I can tell you. It’s you. You could have been side by side with one of the greats of our time, yet you could not look past your ego and allow me in the exclusive club of your perception of the basketball elite. With me beside you, you could have achieved things you never thought possible, inside and outside of basketball. It would have been a companionship for the ages, but you were threatened by me. Or maybe that’s giving you too much credit. In reality I think you are stupid. You couldn’t even see what you had and you rejected what you couldn’t understand. I pity you. But not for long, emotions aren’t to be wasted on the feeble. I bid you farewell Hank Williamson. Farewell and send my best to the boys you are leading into failure. A stench they will not be able to shake off for as long as they live. Your ruin will stay with them for the rest of their lives and they will resent you so deeply when they are of age to be your peers they won’t even want to commiserate with you.
Apathetically Signing Off, Joey Gobbles
To Joey Gobbles,
I have shown your letters to Principal Gammons and you have detention. Every day after school you will be the towel, ball, and water boy for our team which you so desperately want to be a part of.
Coach
Dearest Coach,
Humorous how you feel this to be a regrettable consequence. As someone who has given themselves over to the quest for infinite knowledge, being a towel, ball, and waterboy only contributes to my vast intelligence. So thank you and nice try. You may have even earned yourself a place in my Nobel Prize acceptance speech.
Your Life’s Apex, Joey
Joey,
Principal Gammons has also given the students on my team explicit instructions to bully you without remorse.
Coach Williamson
