All-star pitcher Bobby Ferguson has finally elected to speak out following his degrading escapades not one week ago. Ferguson has been under fire for his harsh remarks and repugnant actions caught on camera at a popular New York City deli. Ferguson and his public relations manager have been in recluse since the incident and today have prepared an official statement that is sure to clear the air. HOWEVER we at Jargon have used our journalistic prowess and left our integrity behind to bring to you the creative process behind the formation of this apology. Using high powered microphones and employing the best lip readers, we have put together what it was like for the team to craft what is sure to be an absolving notice for the hopeful future hall of famer. Without further ado, Bobby Ferguson and his PR Manager write an apology.
Bobby
Dear fellow Americans
PR
No, Bobby no, way too formal.
Bobby
Bobby, but aren’t I addressing the American people?
PR
Yes, but you’re not the president you’re a baseball player. Try something like ‘To my fans, neighbors, and anyone I disappointed.’
Bobby
Okay. To my fans, neighbors, and anyone I disappointed… now what?
PR
Well say what you want to say. What are you apologizing for?
Bobby
I am sorry that I disappointed you. I am sorry for ordering a plain bologna sandwich.
PR
Go on.
Bobby
I’m sorry I… okay Jeff [PR], I gotta be honest. I’m not sorry at all. I love bologna. A big fat plain bologna sandwich on Italian bread is one of my favorite sandwiches. I’ve been eating them since I was a boy. I know it’s not the most popular meat, but I like them.
PR
Bobby Bobby, you think I care what you eat? You can ingest whatever you want as long as you show up to your games and keep your .330 average as far as I’m concerned. But the public, they’re a bit more persnickety. You’ve seen it, this has been bad press for you, Bad press you can’t afford. First it’s the sandwich then they do a little more digging and find out about your Miami days and before you know it, career’s over.
Bobby
But I’m not sorry for that either!
PR
Well it’s not worth the risk. Why be a martyr if you don’t have to? It could lead to a shift in though or it could lead to more backlash. My job is to put out the fire, not to pour apple juice on it, hoping it works as an extinguisher. Back to the apology come on.
Bobby
How am I supposed to continue when I don’t mean it? I think I’ve led a pretty honest career. I mean bologna sandwiches helped get me here if I’m being honest. In the minors when I had no money they kept me fed and full of protein.
PR
Do you want to explain that to them? Are you taking that risk? Because if you do I am not going to be here when the chickens roost, we will drop you. It’s bad enough I have a bologna lover as a client to begin with. You can’t imagine the week I’ve had at the office. I’ve got colleagues that represent wife beaters and meth addicts making fun of me.
Bobby
What’s so bad about bologna?!
PR
It is a cheap, disgusting fatty, meat blend that has a slimy texture and moldy taste. It does not belong in your body!
Bobby
Yes it does! It’s a lighter, more humble sausage slice, with a welcoming pink hue, lovable folds, and a sweet taste that no other cold cut can match!
PR
That’s a load of baloney.
Bobby
Can I ask, what kind of bologna are you referring to?
PR
The usual, the terrible one my mom would buy me as a kid, whatever is at the supermarket. I think the Oscar Me_er one.
Bobby
Oh God, no, no Jeff [PR] no!. You cannot base your entire opinion of bologna on that factory made abomination. Come on, we have to go.
PR
Go where?
Bobby
To get you a proper bologna sandwich, a Boar’s H__d bologna sandwich.
PR
Are you mad? We can’t be seen getting another one of those. There are bound to be reporters all over the place, we wouldn’t make it out alive.
Bobby
Trust me, they won’t find us.
Unfortunately this is the last we saw of Bobby Ferguson and his PR Manager. The following is the transcribed version of the official apology so you don’t have to watch another video.
“Dearest fans, neighbors, and anyone I disappointed. The last few days have given me much time to reflect, ruminate, and soul search. I have put a lot of stock into my beliefs and convictions, the same ones that got me to the level of professional athlete. I find that we live in a wavering world. One where opinions are formed by masses and if just one person is brave enough to swim against the current, the whole world is more comfortable with their own abnormalities. Today I am here, not to apologize, but to go against the current. I, Bobby Ferguson, love bologna. I don’t feel the need to defend it, it is just something I enjoy. My taste isn’t hurting any person, it makes me feel good, and I intend to continue my behavior for as long as I live and or please. Now, if you wish to write scathing articles and posts about my behavior that’s fine, but incase you are interested in understanding rather than tearing down someone different than you, I have prepared some bologna sandwiches for all of you and you can honestly form your own opinions.”
After the taste testing about 50% of journalists enjoyed the meal and the other half went on to write some of the meanest hit pieces in history.
Personally, I am not at liberty to disclose my feelings on the sandwich.
Carlito Emerson
