The scene is two business men on their way to the the door of an office building that mutually employs them. One is in a three piece suit, wearing a luxury watch, and has grown and maintained a well groomed beard. The other has a designer briefcase, horn-rimmed spectacles, and appears to be an inch or so taller than his challenger. Briefcase is one step ahead of Three Piece and holds the door for him.
Three Piece
“Good morning and thank you. To be frank I have never seen someone hold a door quite like you in my entire life. Which albeit is a mere 31 revolutions around the sun, but alas I have made my fair share of observations and your entryway etiquette is superlatively unparalleled.”
Briefcase
“The pleasure is all mine my good natured man about town. How delightful it is to bid morrow to my morning amongst the company of such a chivalrous man who relishes in the common refinements polite society has to offer. Bully to the day for achieving your great thanks is a feat impossibly overtaken.”
Three Piece
“My word, without your obedience to the structure those rich in class and manner have afforded us, my gratitude would be etherial to our non existent exchange. Furthermore, the form you take, the swiftness of your pull, the adjacent measure to which your elbow ever so slightly connects to your ribcage, and the posture you keep surely make this the sturdiest and most formidable door hold this sun has ever had the grace of illuminating.”
Briefcase
“While it troubles me to say and is incongruent with the current of my nature, you are broadly mistaken. I would only ever hold a door with such devotion for a man who has the capability to walk through it with effervescence, ginger, optimism, and appreciation, without indebtedness. I stand before you humbled by the miscalculation I undoubtedly guarantee you seldom fabricate, but make no mistake, the thanks is entirely my own.”
Three Piece
“You are wise to guarantee the despair my mind has for its inability to create fallacies. But as someone who would refute any urges to redirect the streams of their natural current forming their fibers, ensuring nil instances of discourteous behaviour, I reflect, and wonder if my givings were more grandiose than necessary. Perhaps I have patronized you against the will of my intention.”
Briefcase
“Pahtronization was nowhere near any of the corners of my imaginative mind which should offer a crystallized understanding of how implausible such an idea could be. Although, in the air of potential erroneousness, I feel a gust of uncertainty and reason to the conclusion that I may have been the one to pahtronize you.”
Three Piece
“Perhaps those corners are in need of expansive renovation because as I see here now pahtronization is indeed the only way in which such a compliment could be taken. Someone who is fooloish enough to not see that must indeed be so foolish they are unaware that they are verily a fool.”
Briefcase
“Would that not be quite the cyclical conundrum. Fortunately for the both of us I have a consistent language I abide by. Take the word pahtronizing for instance. There is only one way in which I would ever pronounce the word and one way only. A fool would never be in noble servitude to such a code. A fool like a liquid rushing down an ant far would hug and bound any orient in which to speak the word dependant on an unpredictable and arbitrary mood, much like your use of pahtroniziation.”
ThreePiece
“While I applaud all of the cellular energy mustered up to appropriate such an argument, I must declare I find it’s gaping illogic troublesome. Bending pronunciation, dependant on context, is the tool of an intellectual. Allow me to present our situation. I was the primary source of the verb and my original enunciation was the one of which I typically utter. When you announced your varying articulation I felt it was a supercilious way for you to condescend me further. I succumbed to your trickery and altered my speech in an effort to disallow you shelter above me.”
Briefcase
“An interesting position, that I naturally object to.”
3 Piece
“Hey man, I’m going to be late for work do you think we could finish this later?”
Briefcase
“Totally, I’ve actually got a big meeting with a new colleague. Meet you back here after?”
3 Piece
“Absolutely, see you then.”
But then never came. Three Piece waited for hours at that very spot. Evening turned to dusk, and dusk became night. The next morning he arrived at the same door at the same time and did not see his nemesis. He became worried and scoured the office building for his foe, floor by floor. He finally found him outside of the elevators on the 12th level. Briefcase was a mess. Unshaven, untucked, and baggy eyed. It appeared he was holding the elevator door all night for his new coworker. Three Piece wanted to call out to him, but knew it would be useless. He had lost his arch enemy to a better, stronger opponent. That night Three Piece kisses his 3 year old daughter, packed his things, and moved to Alaska where there were no doors, just igloos.
