Esteemed football player DeSean Donald’sson has been caught in a heinous cheating scandal. It appears Mr. Donald’sson plays game known to the youth as ‘Fantasy Football’. The object of the fanatical time waster of which I would never partake, is to draft current NFL football players from all walks of teams into your team which you then manage throughout the season. Adding breakout talent and deleting duds as you go. The shameful Donald’sson drafted himself in his fantasy football league team team and as you can imagine, is in a hot bath of steaming water. Can’t imagine? Allow me to illuminate.
Having a direct influence on one of the players on your team can be catastrophic for the other players within the league. All owners adhere to one primary principle, we do not really know what the outcome of these games will be. We hope and pray, we draft with our guts and stat books (this is the conglomerate word of people I’ve interviewed talking not me) and cross our fingers, but none of us really know. Many leagues are played completely online where the owners may have never met each other and play together only having the love of the sport in common. It is my assumption DeSean snuck his way into one of these leagues anonymously, because who in their right mind would want to play with a real professional athlete? Whomever did is a stupid idiot in the first place, probably named Gary, while a really smart guy named Ban was probably telling him about all of the potential implications.
The investigation into the once celebrated player is underway and the story goes as follows. Week one (Fantasy) DeSean’s team was like anyone else’s (I’d imagine). Fine, decent draft, but much work needed to be done before they could mold their identity. DeSean in real life was a solid player, the kind of guy you would really want in your professional ball club because he is/was a class act and made big plays when you needed them. These players don’t necessarily transmute into great fantasy players because they don’t get the ball all that much. However, DeSean Donald’sson had high hopes for the new year. The first game of the season he did what he always did, blocked well and caught a beautiful 40 yard bomb in the fourth quarter, putting his guys in a great position to win the game. Week 2 (Fantasy) an abysmal effort. Putting up under 50 in a PPR league. Week 2 (Real Life). As good as week one, a few more receptions, a few more yards, but no particular plays as earth shattering. Week 3 (Fantasy) an easy match up with the league’s worst team gave Donald’sson a victory, but his team still underperformed. Week 3 (Real) DeSean scores a one yard touchdown, giving him his highest fantasy output of the year. It is in this writer’s humble opinion that this is where the criminal player hatched the scheme that would result in his downfall. In Week 4 (Real Life) DeSean’s teammate fell ill with the flu, with a spot vacant DeSean saw a surge in opportunities on the field. Balls were thrown to him all game and he caught every single one of them, two of them in the end zone. Week 4 (Fantasy) DeSeasn Donald’sson blows his opponent (the best team in the league, [according to sources] Footballers Anonymous) out of the water. 167 – 125. This was only conscionable because of Donald’sson’s outstanding performance on the field.
So I have some questions. Isn’t it a little convenient for someone to get the flu in late September when flu season isn’t until October? Why is it that a traditionally sub-flex pick would all of a sudden outshine every other receiver in the league? And does it not stink to high heaven with suspicion that this very player, as a result of his outstanding and frankly outlandish athleticism, won his fantasy game? It’s just not fair, I mean they trusted you to be in their league. You can’t just join, tell everyone who you are, ask them if it would be cool if you draft yourself (under false pretenses because they all knew you weren’t a heavy hitter in the fantasy world), then they say yes, then all of a sudden you’re actually really good and beat a team who puts his blood, sweat and tears into the game. Who gets stats tattooed on him, who records the games and watches them all again and again until next Thursday, blows off marriages and birthday parties for this stuff, it is a lifestyle. I am writing this article because the truth needs to be out there. I should not be the only person investigating. DeSean Donald’sson purposely playing better in order to win a week in fantasy football against a great owner who did everything right and who’s only crime is that he isn’t 6’6” and born into a family that was so poor all they had was the grass and a ball basically forcing him to become a pro athlete, I wasn’t that lucky. This injustice shall not stand and I will not rest until the team, who’s owner is a really nice cool guy, is vindicated and retribution is redeemed. We are coming for you DeSean.
Dan Sortuf
