First president of these United States and leftmost head on that mountain in Rushmore has fulfilled the prophecy made for him by patriots and bearers of his perceived wishes for America. An organization run by the Pentagon known as the Crypt Keepers has reported that the long awaited rolling of George Washington in his grave has finally come around. The first known use of the expression came as early as 1799 days after the rebel’s death when a group of dentists decided it might be a good idea to move away from the wooden denture fad. Well, the general public found out, decided it would cause their once fearless leader to roll in his grave, and of course hanged the dentists. The expression minus Washington comes from the BC era when people would go back to their friends graves after the funeral, roll them over and cover their ears so they could officially talk about thee deceased behind their backs with other friends.
This week we celebrated the 245th year of American independence, a milestone, you’d think, Mr. Washington would be proud of. But no, he had to choose this week to roll in his grave. All of the other news organizations printed stories about how he did it in spite of the country, its divisibility, flaws, corruption, and unsavory practices. However, since I am the only journalist worth their salt in blood pressure I sought out the Crypt Keepers to get the real reason as to why the once proud president rolled over.
First it must be understood that the Crypt Keepers know much more than anyone else about the afterlife. They can control it, sustain spirits, communicate with the great beyond, and they all write for the ghost story division at Random House. It isn’t easy to get an appointment with the Crypt Keepers, the third most mystical division of the Pentagon and after trying twice I decided instead to visit the Washington Memorial at the Mount Vernon estate in Virginia. I figured if I just waited around there long enough, I would be able to catch the Crypt Keepers in a meeting with Washington and strike them with a barrage of questions. Before I even got the opportunity, security was all over me for loitering with intent to spy on a dead man. Johnny Law had bested me again, so I gave up. But on the bus ride home I decided I didn’t want to give up anymore so I got off at the next stop and walked the 102 miles back to the gravesite.
This time I would circumvent the Crypt Keepers and go straight to the wooden mouth, Washington himself. I tunneled from the George Washington Memorial Parkway, underneath the Mount Vernon Inn, past the Lady Washington Gift Shop, stopping at the Bowling Green for a quick game, then continuing through to the Washington Family Tomb. I knocked on the side of the coffin and Martha answered the door. I didn’t really have anything to say to her so I wiped my feet and scooted in towards George. They must have just been about to turn in for the night so I couldn’t ask him all of the questions I wanted to, but I settled with the main reason for my intrusion. I plainly asked him why he rolled over in his grave and he told me it was because his charger wire is too short and he continuously has to roll over in order to use it. But that wasn’t all. It turns out he kills time being an internet troll and he was the one who leaked the story about rolling over in his grave in the first place just to get Americans all riled up, claiming this is what we get for not listening to him in the first place about the one party thing. I was shocked, but he told me he was proud of me for doing my due diligence and finding out for myself what cause he had for rolling over. We chatted for a little while longer, he told me his teeth weren’t actually wooden rendering the origin story from a few paragraphs ago questionable. Before long, many a question later, Martha started kicking me until I finally got the hint, I asked if I could sleep over because it was late and she ended up dragging me out herself.
It feels good to have the approval of the first president of this Nation and it motivates me to continue my journalistic pursuits with pride and integrity. I can’t wait to dig up another grave and see what I find!
