The Populated City Teamsters have been forced to delay their game today due to the gallons of saliva that has turned their stadium into the Water Polo Grounds. Statistics have shown that this problem was afoot for quite some time. Scientists have warned athletes and in particular baseball players of what their excessive expectorating could do to the stadiums in which they call home, but they were the lucky were ignored and the unlucky were wedgied.
“The signs were clear from the start.” Some sort of ologist Kent Smuge says “I have never been much of a baseball fan, but with any game that you might turn on, it is evident that catastrophe is lurking.” This disaster actually comes ahead of schedule for Smuge who didn’t predict the flooding to occur until 2025, but attests that the excess spitting may have something to do with the bad taste left in players’ mouths after the foreign substance scandal and the commissioners ruling thereof.
“It’s a disgusting mess and not what I signed up for.” A recently retired groundskeeper commented to me. “Between thew sunflower seeds, chewing tobacco, phlegm, bubble gum, teeth, no sign of mouthwash by the way, it’s unimaginable, I had to bring a snorkel to work today. I’m wading through this brew of oral dishygiene,” he sighs, “you know there are just some things they don’t teach you in groundskeeper school”. Such a shame how a filthy habit like spitting can drive a man out of his storied career of 30 years. The new groundskeeper who was promoted to take over has no idea how to tackle this problem and is afraid to ask the players to quit hocking loogies. The athletes of course want to play but they feel sitting in an integral part of their game and baseball wouldn’t be the same without it anyway. “They go hand in hand with each other, baseball without spit is like baseball with out a hit.” This slogan has now become the crux of negotiations between the players association and park management.
I have faith in the ground screw at Baseball Stadium, but I have an equal amount of faith in the ballplayers to continue spitting. Only time will tell who will prevail and who will fail. Until next time this has been sports correspondent Gibby Franks, swinging away.
