The Center for Disease Control has released yet another set of guidelines for civilians which are not applicable to them and their superiors. This new order comes after the summer of the vaccine which expectedly saw close quarters socializing, breathing, and coughing.
This is the statement the CDC released:
Humans Have Always Been Gross
It comes as a shock to us health experts here at the CDC that you people have been in such a scurry to be released from your homes, to the detriment of your health. Just because we don’t have any friends or reasons to go outside doesn’t mean that we can’t sympathize with your frustration. It just so happens that all of your preferred methods of recreation come at a premium cost. All of the activities, laughter, hand holding, subway pole licking, and whatever else it is you do, we still, simply cannot recommend further human to human interaction.
Your fellow man, the person to your left and to your right, the cranial vessel in which you share 99.9% of your genetic composition with has a nearly infinite amount of harmful parasites clinging to them, just waiting to lurch and suckle you. Creepy crawly microbes whose everlasting mission is to make you sick and bonus points for them if they kill you. They spread faster than bedbugs and grow more impervious than cockroaches. Not only this but they say mean things too. Such as “shut up nerd we’ll go outside if we want to”. Even though all you ever wanted to do was keep them safe. Everything that you wish to do from he moment you leave your home is an invitation of suffering and death. Every moment you aren’t in pain, on medication to eradicate the illness you carelessly caused, or lying in pine 6 feet below the surface is a moment to rejoice in.
Haven’t you ever looked at each another? Sitting in a movie theater there is always at least that one guy who would rather forcibly eject his lung orally than miss the new Marvel fair. Or how about the social butterfly that sneezes into her hands? Perhaps you remember the chip bowl filled with the phalanges of armpit scratchers and nose pickers? They don’t shower, they walk out of restrooms without washing hands, they bump up against you, and constantly victimize your personal space by existing. Why are you so dead set on being near these things again? What have they ever done for you except hurt you, make you feel inadequate, make fun of your career choice, and throw wet toilet paper at you when you’re in the stall?
As a CDC spokesperson it is not my job to scare you. As a human it is my duty to equip you with the truth about your lifestyles and the ravaging consequences therein. This is why it is our recommendation to permanently reinstate the quarantine. We believe your lives are precious and the only way to keep you safe forever and ever is to keep you all at home. Stay home, never leave, stay safe. We are actually working on a copyright to make that our slogan. We would also like you to know this is entirely your fault. Had you simply listened to me or just been nice about the cautionary measures the first time around we could have worked something out. I don’t care how many times we contradicted ourselves, we were doing our best.
You will he hearing again from us from time to time. We of course will be giving ourselves special clearance to test the outside in small concentrated groups to see if it will ever be safe. In our efforts it is likely we will host modestly sized concerts, sporting events, and social barbecues to gauge the waters for your eventual benefit. While we are sacrificing ourselves so that you may enjoy your hobbies once more, all you must do is engorge yourselves on the indoor vices of your choosing, while you think about how you treated those who work to protect you on a daily basis.
Signed,
Everyone at the CDC
