Local idiot and invisiblist John Cena bas recently come under fire as a spineless, cowardly, submissive, sell out after his video to China, deeply apologizing for his oh so brash and uneducated statement claiming in passing that Taiwan is a country. The movie star thumb is now facing the scourge of public opinion, and certainly wishes that people can’t see him now. The consensus of the matter projects that Cena was pressured to apologize because his films are meant to succeed in the overseas Chinese markets and his inflammatory remarks could put a hindrance on that. This type of behavior may shock many of his long time supporters and even those merely aware of him. I however have not been fooled for a second by this bottom feeding barnacle. John Cena is the type of person that will do absolutely anything to boost his career, appear likable, and remain relevant. A magnified look at his career will prove me right or at least be a therapeutic way for me to release some misguided anger.
I never watched much WWE but I remember when John Cena came on the scene back in the early 2000’s. With his stupid body and his big stupid jorts, he always looked like such a tool. I understand wrestlers usually come up with a character, but he didn’t even bother, he used his real name so as far as I’m concerned that doofus in the camo shorts down to his ankles is the real John Cena. Since leaving the WWE Cena has clearly had his gaze set towards Hollywood and the motion pictures, aiming to model his career after that of The Rock’s. Unlike the beloved Dwayne Johnson, Cena has none of the character or credibility. Why is this? I think we needn’t look any further than the avalanche of advertisements Cena has sold his name to.
In his early years Cena stuck to brands that tied into his wrestling career such as Gold’s Gym , the energy drink YJ Stinger, and Subway another entity that masquerades as one thing but is in actuality not at all good for you and should be kept away from children. There he did commercials with known pedophile Jared Fogle, but we will try to not use that against him. A few years later he even began endorsing another energy drink, presumably after YJ Stinger went out of business Cena then filmed commercials with the men’s mutilation brand Gillette for a NASCAR campaign, a sport he has nothing to do with. Cena also cashed in on a joke of Dwayne Johnson’s after Johnson labeled the money grubbing ignoble man “fruity pebbles” he went straight to Post to sign a lucrative deal to appear on the box of the cereal, stealing the box from the Flintstones. Cena has also done ads with Honda, Armor All, Capri Sun, Foot Locker, Takis, Experian, Mountain Dew, Michelob Ultra, SKYY Vodka, and the ever fitting Hefty Garbage Bags. This man cannot say no.
If the advertisements are’t enough to make you sick allow me to reintroduce you to his film and television career. John Cena’s contribution to film is a littering of cameos, hacky comedic roles, and military men. For a while Cena was relying on this tactic where, as the bulging muscle man, he would play the part of a goofy guy who does silly dances or a cowardly character all to contrast his physique. Big guy go cry, ha ha. If it’s not a brain dead comedy Cena can be seen as a soldier or government agent of sorts, such range. I guess this is as much of a critique on Cena as it is the people that hire him for jobs. I don’t see the charisma, the personality, or why he would ever pass a screen test. I’d like to compare him to Shaq, someone who also has had some experience in Hollywood and in brain dead comedies, but Shaq is actually funny. He has an infectious smile, wit, and an irreplaceable screen presence. Shaq is also irrationally sized, comes from the sporting world, and has done a few commercials in his day. I would really like to be scientific as to why Cena bad, Shaq good, but the best I can say is that Shaq is likeable, and has a real talent, and a humanity to him. Cena is a cornball. If that’s not scientific enough for you you can take my degree away from me.
Critics of this scathing review of the 650 Make-A-Wish-Granting man might say, “hey, he’s just chasing that check” or “securing the bag”, to which I would reply yes, yes he is. And it might be very easy for me to have lofty idealized views of success and integrity as an impoverished hermit. I’ve never had an abundance of brand deals to turn down, nor have I had to take care of a family, been tasked with defending a brand or an image. I don’t know what his expenses are, what bills he has to pay, or how much it costs to raise exotic emus. However, from my cave I can see that with every new brand and endorsement, every lackluster role, every game show gig, and so on you lose some credibility. When you saturate your image with corporation after corporation people have a right to at best get sick of you and at worst regard you as a stooge and a sell out. John Cena’s face and career doesn’t read like a determined actor willing to do gutter role after gutter role, working his way up the ladder. He started halfway up the ladder due to his fan base and marketability. He simply looks like a recognizable talentless hack always looking to cats in on the next thing, whatever it may be. If John Cena chooses to do trash that’s fine, the whole thing is fine. Do the trash, take every inane role that comes your way, endorse all the companies no matter how unscrupulous they may be. It does not matter to me nor should it matter to Mr. Cena. But, This pattern of behavior is exactly what led him to the predicament he is in today. John Cena, apologizing to an entire nation, or perhaps more specifically their political leaders for calling a different country a country. And why is John Cena not allowed to call Taiwan a country? Or rather, why won’t John Cena retain his opinion on their national status? Because he is a sucker. John Cena will do anything for his career and if remaining on China’s good side is good for his artistic integrity within the franchise of the Fast and Furious, then bully for him. I’m not surprised.
