I know many of you lead busy lives. Work is a drain, the commute is made possible by energy reserves, you cook dinner only because you’ll die if you don’t, and when it’s finally time to relax you realize there is only about an hour left before it’s time to do it all over again. In this small window of relaxation you probably want to fill it with something light hearted, worthwhile, imaginative, or anything capable of bringing you into its orbit. Last night was the big debate and since I am respectful of your time and desire to unwind with HBO’s latest feat, I am going to summarize it for you.
Barnold Earnest (Pro Waterproofing) versus Fillmore Synger (Con Waterproofing) moderated by Jessica Albatross. These two behemoth’s of their fields were elected by their peers to represent their interests in the nationwide debate. Should headphones be waterproof? A little bit about the gentlemen: Earnest, a technological scientist by day who, thanks to the support of his coworkers went into the field of podcasting. His show, “What We Do in the Showers” started small. At first only appealing to his office and employees of the Home Depot Bath/Shower section. Barnold was able to expand to his preferred demographic, everyone. He speaks on topics related to humans and their desires to be more amphibian. “We swim, we take long showers, we sit in hot tubs for hours, we take bubble baths, we’ve developed magazine racks for the tub, tv trays, waterproof toasters, it’s about time we stop pretending we are land animals.” Of late, due to the dynamic dialogue in the country at the moment, Earnest has been focusing his rhetoric on whether or not people should be isolated with their music in the shower, of course he is in favor of the notion. Fillmore Synger, a man of considerably less means, a drifter of sorts, impacting people’s lives from coast to coast with his unassuming demeanor, wisdom, and charitable nature. Synger was not originally posed for the debate. When the vote was cast, 50 percent of voters wrote Synger’s name in the other slot. It was difficult to contact and inform him that he had won seeing as he is without a phone number. Word finally reached Synger whilst seen delivering a soap box sermon while being hosed from above. He agreed to the debates and Fillmore makes his television debut tonight. Oh and Jessica Albatross is an anchor for the S.S. Eclipse.
The war of the words began with a bang. As soon as Albatross delivered her opening moderation Barnold Earnest fired away with point after point as to why waterproofing was the correct and only method for the future of headphones. 1) Damage Control 2) Listen in Water 3) Leather Cracks 4) We Don’t Want Watches to be Better Than Headphones 5) Umbrellas are for Sissies. Fillmore Synger stood reserved, allowing his opponent to speak for far longer than the clock allowed. When his turn finally came he simply stated, “I don’t believe headphones should be waterproof.” Then the questions began. Albatross’s first inquiry for the challengers was “How would your position improve daily life?” Earnest lurched forward and explained. “If headphones were waterproof you would never have to stop listening. You could listen on a raft escaping a communist dictatorship, or in the middle of a tsunami, or the shower. How tired are you of listening through speakers when the music could simply be in your head?” Synger replied, “I quite like speakers, I like to know that while listening to music I am also living in a world that produces such beautiful music of its own that I would be ignorant to if it were for the 24 hour headphone.” Albatross followed up with, “ ” oh that’s right Earnest immediately interjected. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. If you want to listen to outdoors stuff then you just take out the headphones. What I’m talking about is the option to listen anywhere you want. Wouldn’t you want to have waterproof headphones if you could? In case you were taking a bath and you just felt like lying back and stuffing your buds into your ears so you could only hear the smooth sounds of Miles Davis, A-Ha, or Death Grips?” Synger looked down, took a deep breath and a long blink as he exhaled. My defense is of solitude. It is my contention that in this day in age we, as a people are surrounded by so many stimuli, distractions, and products that take us away from ourselves. We have such few opportunities to be alone, consider ourselves by ourselves. Figure out what we are, what we’ve become, what we have done how, how we can grow. Even outside of ourselves, the world in which we inhabit. Ponder it, search for questions and answers, go over our days, the interactions we had. Use our minds and unlock the capabilities within. These feats are challenging in the framework of a normal day with work, life, friendships. Most free time is spent on phones, watching television, reading, or listening to music. I love all of these things, but the self deserves time too. It used to be you had all the time in the day for this, but as the eras come and go we really only have the toilet, shower, and before bed. The toilet recently has been conquered by phone time so now it is only shower and even that time to yourself is being overrun by the phone speakers which are only getting louder and clearer. Therefore the only real time you have to yourself is before bed, but that itself is a fight because the only thing you want to do is sleep, not think. Waterproof headphones are not evil, but if they exist they will be hard to resist because of their presence and since you have such little free time as it is, you’ll want to hear that new album in the shower, as it will be construed as free time. But if showers were thought of as think time, maybe you wouldn’t be as quick to put the music on. I am not naive, I know progress and technology cannot be stopped. However, I think we should try to hang on to some of the things that made us who we are.”
Barnold Earnest paused silent, for the first time in the debate. He furrowed his brow, shifted his neck, pursed his lips and leant into his microphone. Just as Earnest was about to speak the auditorium doors burst open. “There he is, get him!” An officer shouted to his men. The troop marched towards a fleeing Fillmore Synger. They chased him backstage, tackled, and cuffed him. Apparently Synger had loitering fines up to $200,000 and had been wanted for years. Earnest was made champion by default and production of waterproof headphones starts tomorrow.
Julie Berg
